F*ck it all!

I am desperately trying to keep my head above water right now. I can feel the tugs of depression, wanting to pull me in and take over. And to be honest, I am so scared to allow myself to feel sad about my best friend's mom having lung cancer, I am too scared to let myself accept I am not going home to my brother's wedding (fuck all!) and I am too scared to admit how really pissed off I am about all of it.

Last year was such a long, angry, fucking depressing year and I just can't let myself go into that hole again. I am really scared that if I let the depression in at all, it will consume me. And every step I've taken to come out of it, will be worthless.

If I am truly honest with myself then I know what last year meant for me and my family. I've been thinking about this a bit lately. Last year's depression meant I went a whole year stuck inside myself. Empty and unable to give anything to anyone else, no matter how much I loved them. I was disgusted with myself. And that made things worse. Why did I have such a hard time carrying the grief of my grandmother's death? I should be strong, hold my head up and plow through. But instead, I shut everyone out and I remained locked inside an angry person.

Last year meant I hated my husband. I mean, let's be honest, I really did. I was so angry at him and I don't know why. I feel a bit of that anger creeping in lately and I am trying very hard to make it go away. He doesn't deserve that. I don't deserve that, especially when things have been going so well. How many times can I push him away before he says "see ya!"

Last year's depression meant I missed a year of my kids' lives. I can't ever get that back. I look back and I can't remember much of Lil Man's accomplishments, what he did, what he said, how he grew. I look at him today and I think "what happened to my baby? This is a little man!" I missed it last year. I look at his pictures and I don't remember half the things that happened, where we were, why we were there, "is that really his 3rd birthday? where was I?" I was locked away.

And what about my daughter? Last year was kindergarten and there was so much I missed last year. How could I do that to her? She's old enough now that she'll remember how horrible I was to everyone last year. How I wanted nothing to do with her or her brother or her dad. How her dad and I screamed at each other for days. How I constantly threatened to leave her dad. Someday, she'll probably blog about it, about how insecure she felt.....how rejected she felt. And that is my fault. And how will I ever make it right?

This is why I can't let this depression come in. My family is healing. We're coming together. I'm laughing and playing with my kids again. I'm wanting to be in life. And if this depression takes over, every step we've taken will be lost and I will leave such a path behind me that no one will ever be able to clear. Lord help me. I can't go back there.