Changes in Behavior....

Saturday was rough. So I went ahead and decided I would stop masking everything I felt. I would stop forcing myself to do what was supposed to be done even if it was just for a few hours. So, I checked out of my life for a bit. I didn't tend to my kids and I didn't talk to my husband. What's more, I didn't ask him if it was okay.


I came over to the computer with a beer and I plugged in my headphones and I turned on some Tori Amos. I wrote my blog and I felt absolutely everything I needed to feel. I had to admit to myself the problems that are very real in my relationship. I had to withdraw into myself so I could sort it all out. I felt all my anger and disappointed and bitterness until the beer started making me feel giddy.


It was nice to sort of let loose, to lose my composure. It felt good for me to deconstruct whatever images I had inside my head of what my life is supposed to look like.


I don't have a perfect husband. He doesn't have a perfect wife. We disagree on nearly everything (except gay marriage and politics). We may be a bad match because we have different ideas of how we like to spend our time. We don't communicate very well. And as I mentioned before, we never talk about us.


Sunday I woke up in a better mood. I was ready to face the day with him. I was cleaning and doing laundry which is my routine on Sundays. He was watching T.V. The kids were playing together. And I got this sudden urge to go over to him and revisit the discussion we had the day before. I just approached it in a different way.


I sat in his lap and I gave him a lingering hug. I pulled back and looked him straight in the eye and told him, once again what I needed from him to feel happier in our marriage. "I need more affection. I need more hugs and kisses. I need more affirmations of your love for me and these are the ways you can show it." Unlike the day before when he said "I don't know what to say or what to tell you," he didn't brush me off. He looked me back in my eyes and then he just held me.

All this week he has made an effort to be more affectionate. He has stopped and given me kisses and hugs. He has given me little slaps on the butt and winks and smiles. He looks me in the eye when he talks to me and he says "I love you." He isn't just saying "i love you" when he's walking out the door for work, like it's an afterthought. There is meaning in his voice behind it.


He is making an effort and I am letting him in. Maybe he was the one who needed the heart transplant. We may fall back into old habits. But for now, I am appreciating his efforts very much.