I really hate fessing up problems in my marriage. It almost always comes back to bite me in the ass. Most of the time it's because I'm an over-emotional train wreck of a woman. I overreact to a lot of things. I misinterpret a lot of what husband says or does.
Today, though, I need an outlet. I need to vent. I need to put out there the many, many feelings I have. If not for the hours of trying to explain to my husband, where? The blog seems to be a perfect fit.
I'm unhappy. There. I've said it. I've turned into a cliche; a desperate housewife. I'm lonely and confused. Depressed and frumpy. And bored. Bored, bored, bored. Such is life, I am told. Everyone gets bored with the monotony of life. That endless repetition of waking up, going to work/school, cleaning house, cooking supper, going to bed and waking up the next day only to rinse and repeat. The honest-to-God truth is I am not just bored with the repetition. I'm bored with him.
I'm dangerous when I am bored. I'm really amazed it has taken me 8 years to become bored. In my earlier years, I dumped plenty of guys I'd become bored with. I always went looking for someone else for entertainment, to give me that sense of excitement I yearn for.
And here I am, with him practically in the same room. I am emotionally spent from trying to confess everything I feel and have been feeling and I'm left with a pretty disappointing feeling. I'm impatient and impulsive. I can't get him to commit to doing anything other than sit there, trying to stare around me at the T.V.
So I am left to sit here and dissect our marriage and I've come to the conclusion that a heart transplant may be needed. You see, marriage has meant to me a series of heartbreaks and aggravation and hurt and confusion. And loneliness as I mentioned above. Lots and lots of loneliness. He is emotionally unavailable to my emotional overcharge. He wants different things. We are, in fact, a very bad match.
The whole differentness thing has been exciting and has never left us wanting for conversation. Lots of so-called experts say you should talk about other things besides your children. Husband and I have always been good at that. But there's one subject we hardly ever talk about unless we're fighting: us.
He's closed off. I don't trust him. I can't trust him. And it's not for the reasons he thinks it is. He thinks it's because I am always afraid he'll leave. The truth is, I can't trust him with my feelings. I used to open up to him all the time. Now I do it few and far between and most of the time I only do it as a last resort. It's bad. A lot of times I end up yelling. Since the beginning of our marriage there has been plenty I have tried consciously to change. And after I open up to him I am always left with a disheartened feeling. Nothing I ever do is recognized to him. He holds on to the past way more than I do, and he has done so much more to hurt me in the past. I refuse to bring those things up because I know it's in the past and he has changed and he has earned forgiveness. But I am constantly faced with the fact that I never am good enough. I have never done enough to change for him and yet I have sacrificed everything to be with him.
I need a heart transplant. I'm pretty sure my heart is on its last leg. I am dangling precariously off a cliff and am faced right now with two options: to shut it down and barrel through life, making the best of a situation with a person I'm pretty sure barely loves me and I shouldn't be with in the first place. Or to leave.
I have chose option one today. I have 2 beautiful children and my life, despite my relationship with him is pretty good. Besides, I went from my father's house to my husband's house and haven't one iota how to care for myself, let alone 2 kids. There's a cold-hard truth for you. I am a desperate housewife who stays because I have to. And now that I can admit that to myself, I guess I am ready for shut down.
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