I love Christmas. I do. So don't take this post the wrong way.
I begin thinking heavily about grief around this time of year. I guess it's because my great-grandmother died in December. Christmas was always a big holiday for her. It's funny the things you remember after a loved one passes. I can't look at a poinsettia without thinking about her and all the poinsettias she had in her house this time of year. And actually...red. I can't see the color red without thinking of her. I think she used to have a red coat. She loved birds and she collected little bird figurines. She had at least one very bright red cardinal and he was her favorite. Red velvet cake was always served at Christmas at her house. And of course, red is a Christmas color.
Cardinals. Right after Mama Mary passed away, we were sitting at the breakfast table with the blinds open in the kitchen. We had bird feeders in the trees and sometimes it was fun to watch the birds. Well, this particular morning, the cardinal came. We'd never seen him in our yard before and he's actually quite elusive. He never shows himself often. We had seen his mate, though. Anyway. There he was. Just sitting, very still, right outside our kitchen window. Mama Mary's favorite bird. Now you may think it's silly, but I just knew it had something to do with her. (sure, it could have been because of the bird feeders, but those feeders had been up several weeks and this was truly the first time we saw him even though we watched the birds quite often at that point. so I'm just gonna go ahead and believe him being there that morning had to do with Mama Mary.)
The HOA made us take down those bird feeders (we're not allowed lawn art or some such bullshit) and so, we haven't really seen that cardinal since. Except 2 weeks ago. I saw him in our backyard. (No feeders there.) But there he was....bright red as anything. Peace came over me as I watched him. And of course, I smiled.
I might also think about grief because my friend Keli had a son. And I wonder what Christmas is like for him. I wonder what it's like for her husband. I wonder how they are. And I miss her for them.
Of course, I think about Mindy. But, to be honest, I think of her after. And maybe it's because I didn't know her as long. Or maybe it's because I never spent a holiday with her. I'm not sure. I think more of Mindy's mother and what it's like to miss her daughter at Christmas.
In our grief support group, they told us to honor those who have passed on the holidays...whether it's lighting candles in their honor or taking a moment to remember them or to share a story about them. Well, I guess this blog post is my way of honoring them. I miss my Mama Mary more than anything. Not a day goes by I don't think of her. I feel her more now than I did. But you know what? I'd give anything to spend one more Christmas with her. To feel her warmth and love and Christmas cheer. To hug her and wish her a Merry Christmas. I know how incredibly blessed I am in life. So, in her honor, I carry on that Christmas cheer, to create a warm and loving home for others to share with us.
Merry Christmas to you and your family. May you be blessed and happy in the New Year!
No comments:
Post a Comment