Let It Be....

I feel like writing about what's going on in my personal life. These past couple of weeks have been a real struggle for me. A lot of highs and lows. At times I feel totally powerless to the wave after wave of emotion. So, I guess I should empty my mind of things I keep dwelling on.

My great grandmother passed away right before Christmas. This was devastating even though she has been sick with dementia for quite some time. She was 92 and yes, it was "her time." This doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't make the hurt for myself go away. It's selfish, I know, but I miss her more than I have in the past 7 years of being away from home.

I'm dealing with a lot of emotions since her death. I feel guilt for not being there when she passed, for not seeing her but one time since I moved away 7 years ago, for not thinking of her more often when she was alive and I feel guilt for not being at her funeral. You see, I was home for 2 days the week before she died. I feel angry too. Angry because she was dying then and the family member who knew she was dying didn't call and tell anyone. I could have gone to see her, but nope. I was robbed of that opportunity. But then again, I guess I wasn't because I could have made the conscious effort to go see her regardless of if she was on her deathbed or not. And there's the guilt again.

Some people have said "She will understand why you couldn't be there." This amuses me when people say that. I know they are trying to be helpful, but they didn't know her. She would understand? I am kind of smiling at the thought right now. I think she'd kick my butt to Timbuktu and back.

I feel sad that my daughter never got to meet her. I think they would have adored each other. I would like to think they would have been as close as I felt with her.

Above anything else, I keep thinking about some of the worst things in my childhood and how she was my safe place. She was every one's safe place. She had such strength and there was a hardness about her, that even now, I feel. And all I can think is I wish I had her strength. I wish I had her strength to deal with some of the things in my life I have to deal with.

I don't think she was ever happy in her marriage, or at least not overly happy. She dealt with it though, she sucked it up and she did what she had to do. I feel weak when I compare myself to her. I feel like I could never measure up to being great like her. I know this sounds really silly, but I do wish I could somehow be strong like she was. Or maybe I am imagining her strength and who I thought she was.

I guess it doesn't really matter. I had a dream about her last night. I just remembered it as I was writing about her. She was on her love seat in her kitchen and she was wearing her housecoat. I went over and I hugged her and sat with her and we talked, but I can't remember what we talked about now. This makes me sad. In my dream, I knew she was dead and was just visiting.

I don't really know what to make of the dream. I wish I could remember what we said to each other. I get the feeling it was nothing deep and there was no meaning to it. The only thing I can think of is that hug I gave her was a little bit of relief, but at the same time, it's painful to think about.

I wish so much I could have been there for the funeral. She used to tell me she wanted someone to sing "Let It Be" at the funeral. I was told they did sing it and I am happy they did. I wish so much I could have said goodbye. Someday, I will go to her graveside and as cheesy as it sounds, I'll sing "Let It Be." That's really all that is holding it together for me right now; the hope that someday I can do that. Until then, I am desperately hanging on to nothing. It's hard to explain.

I think I will stop writing for now. Thanks if you made it all the way through this post.