Step Two: My Marriage

For those who know me, you know I've struggled with my marriage for some time now. I'm thinking it's been about two years. Husband and I have grown apart. We've allowed a lot of shit to come between us.

The past few months I've really started thinking hardcore about leaving. I've done this before, but this time, I had a deadline of when to be out of here if things didn't get better. I didn't really have a plan for after leaving. I just needed to see what would happen before.

I've been really angry about a lot of things and about the way we've headed. I've been really sad too. I haven't been sure if I really love Husband enough anymore or if he loves me enough. I was ready to cut my losses and start anew. After all, how can I be a healthier, better person if I am miserable in my marriage?

Things came to a head this week. We got into a fight one evening that spilled into the next day. It was so bad, Lil Miss even asked "are you guys breaking up?" And at that very moment I thought "It'd probably be the best for everyone if we decided to cut the ties now."

I cried a lot, but I knew I could not be with Husband anymore except on the following condition:

That everything we've allowed to come between us and build up between us the past 2 years be dropped. Not resolved. Dropped. Gone. Done. The condition would only work if we both were willing to let go of all the hurt and anger we've caused each other. It could only work if we forgive each other. I decided we could either move forward together or move forward apart. But we have to move forward and Husband has to agree to this condition. If he doesn't, it's over.

Well, he agreed. We're recommitting to each other. We've promised to move forward together, to leave our old hurts behind us. Making a fresh start. I'm not sure how this is going to go or how soon we'll slip into old behaviors and who will be unforgiving of that. But it's the last idea I have. We've been married 7 years. We have a life together. We have 2 beautiful kids together. That's something to fight for.