22 days

In 22 days, I turn 30. This is both hysterically funny and truly depressing.

Why is it funny? As my dude pointed out, I never thought I'd live this long. How I survived all those drunken nights in college, I will never know. It's a miracle. It truly is because there are a lot of nights I don't remember and a lot of mornings I woke up in places I had no idea how I got there. I digress.

It's depressing because I know I am not in a place where I want to be. There are so many things in my life that I put aside and said "I'll finish later." There are also a lot of things I am not happy about that I continue to allow to happen, despite the way it makes me feel at the end of the day.

I've really been doing a big internal analysis of myself. I've come to realizations about how I do not like myself or who I have become. I am lost. I will be open enough to say I am truly unhappy at this point in my life.

I know I should be thankful to have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children. I know that should fulfill me and satisfy me. It doesn't. Don't get my wrong, I love my kids and husband. But I feel I need something for me. I feel like I need to do things that don't involve how they'll react or how they'll feel. I know it sounds selfish and the bottom line is, I am very selfish. As selfish as my husband is.

The thing about turning 30 is, I've realized how it's time to let go of fear and to start accomplishing my dreams. I need to let go of the things that make me unhappy or change them. There's no sense in continuing to wallow in these things. I need something different.

So I am gathering the courage to do what I need. I'm ready to make some big changes, even though I am scared to death. It's time.