I hate this place. I fear this place. I feel guilty about this place. This place makes it impossible to function on any level. The worst part about it is, it hits me hard and fast and often.
It makes me a shitty wife and a shitty mom. I get selfish and mean. And then I feel guilty and that only makes the room darker. 2009 I lived in this room for the whole year. It was worse last year than it is now. I can tell. Grief makes things a thousand times worse than it is.
I realize we're only 27 days into the new year, but I've done pretty good so far this year. And this time I am determined not to let the depression overtake me. It's a hard fight. And it's exhausting. And sometimes I wish I had someone to understand what I'm going through. I wish I had someone who could pick up the pieces while I'm down and out. I wish I had someone who would just let me crumble like I want.
But I know the truth is I can't just crumble and go into the bed and spend days in there the way I want. I know no one should have to pick up the pieces. I know I shouldn't want to rely on that. So what I need to do is, is stay strong and get through it without leaving anything behind. It's a very fine line to walk.
By the way, I can't afford therapy or drugs (not that I want drugs). So I am sort of alone in this. And I do have to deal with it the best way I know how. I just take a deep breath and I force myself to face the world. I just keep hoping that it doesn't make me resent my world. sigh.
Well, I don't want you to go there again, either. I'm so sorry. Is there any way you can look into getting a part-time job to maybe help with the cost of therapy? I'm sure you've considered that. Please don't go through this alone! Tell your husband, at least. And email me anytime. I'm worried about you.
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