Funk-a-licious

Funkalicious as in feeling down in a funk. Not as in stinky or smelly. Not as in I want to disco.

Kind of like this.

I've been in such a funk lately. See, life just loves to pile it all on at the same time. I suppose that's kind of a good thing. That way, at least there's some good in between the rotten times.

I've not been fairing so well in life lately. And I've decided that that's okay. I've let myself be miserable for a minute and I've let myself feel really sorry for myself. I have thrown a huge pity party and today.....I feel kind of different.

I'm not saying I'm totally over it. I'm not saying I can go from 0-depressed in .3 seconds and then back again. But I think this acceptance of the way I feel is a good thing. It's a positive thing. I've been fighting for so long that finally delving into this darkness I'm so terrified of has helped in a weird way. I have a long way to go. I know that. I always have a long way to go. Depression isn't some 5 minute thing that just happens and then the clouds part and the world is full of sunshine and rainbows. No. Depression is something that keeps happening and it's something to keep getting through. And you know what? Sometimes it's a miserable fucking existence. It is what it is. I've accepted that. I've almost embraced that.

Sometimes, I amaze myself with my optimism. Sometimes I think "how the fuck can you honestly believe it's all going to be okay when you feel like shit and you want to crawl in a hole and go to sleep?" It's because despite all the horrid things I've gone through, all the evil that has happened to me, there's a lot of good shit that's happened as well. Maybe it's because of my kids I choose to hang on to the good. Because when I look in their eyes, I know that life and love and all that's good in the world is in them. It's cheesy, but it's true. And I think....I must have done something right to deserve such amazing kids. It's because of that, I know things are going to be okay.

I'll have my ups and downs. I don't feel 100%, but the difference between today and yesterday is I know I'm going to be okay. And that's something pretty amazing. Or maybe I just sound like a raving lunatic.