Absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight, out of mind...

"Something that you miss." This is today's challenge. I immediately thought of the picture above I found several weeks ago.

I didn't have the most stable of childhoods and I probably lost a lot of innocence before I should have. I still believed in a better world, though. I guess, even when I'm at my lowest, I'm an optimist. I believe things will be okay. Except for right now.

Because having your heart broken multiple times by the same person over the years takes its toll.

I haven't had the best support or encouragement system in my life and it's made me doubt myself in some major ways.

I miss the person I was before I sort of shattered the past couple of years. I miss being in love with my husband. And I miss not feeling angry. And I miss being so attracted to my husband I couldn't wait for him to get home. I miss that feeling that I fell in love with him more and more every single day, that he became more and more attractive to me every day, that I admired him and respected him. I miss being his best friend. And I miss not hating him. And I miss loving my life and what I do as a mom and wife. I miss not feeling completely insane. I miss being a good wife and mom. I miss not crying every other day or bursting into tears in public because I'm soooo on edge and upset about everything that those emotions just can't stay inside and they spill out all the time. I miss being able to think about other things.

Last night, at the bar (yes, i went to the bar! what! BCS National Championship, bitches!), this grumpy old man looked at me. Stared me down. And out of nowhere, he starts telling me how a person has to follow their heart. A person has to do what is hard to make their life better. A person has to move on when it's time to move on, no matter the pieces left behind. That guy.....a stranger....a grumpy old man who knew absolutely nothing about me, said words that I so need to hear on a constant loop. 

I just miss so much that girl inside me who thought life was so full of possibilities and no matter what detour she took, she'd find something really cool along the way. Now, I'm that girl who fears the destruction she could possibly leave behind.