Ch-ch-ch-changes!

No, this isn't a New Year's Resolution post. For that I'll just refer you here. Okay, so I didn't write that blog post, but Ruby did and she's my mind twin. Or something.

Today's challenge is "have you changed in the past 2 years?" I don't know if it's really that I've changed so much as I've woken up. I've woken up to realize I am my own person. Yes, I am a mom and a wife. But my very identity does not have to be wrapped up in merely those two things. Yes, they are part of who I am, but they are not all I am.


I have realized that far too often, I stay quiet about things and accept and tolerate them in an effort to make someone else happy. Don't get me wrong, I love making other people happy but not when it sucks my soul dry.

I have realized that I have my own way of doing things. In an effort to keep the peace at home, I have almost betrayed that. As if someone else's way is better or smarter and it has torn me down to a point that I no longer trusted my abilities to do something without someone else's say. And it pushed my personality to a secret place so hidden that even I wasn't sure where to find it.

I have realized that I am smart and I am funny and I can trust myself.

I have realized that I have my own wants and likes and needs in this life. And just because someone else does not approve or doesn't like it or whatever, it doesn't mean I'm doing anything wrong. It just means they are dumb. Or selfish. I don't need anyone's approval to get the things I want. I'm not talking about going out and hacking up a bunch of people and scattering their limbs around the desert. I just want to get a college degree and have my own career and rely on myself just as much as I rely on anyone else. There is nothing wrong with that. And I don't think I have to just accept a situation because it's my situation.

I have realized I am terrified most of the time. I'm terrified of the changes I want to make happen. I'm terrified I'll make mistakes because those mistakes could affect my kids. I'm more terrified that in 2 years, I'll still be in the same place I'm in now. Mistakes will happen, I may fuck up. But I know nothing in this life is permanent. And I'll learn and I can pick myself up and dust myself off. I'll just Cowgirl Up when I need to. Like I always have, even when I didn't realize that's what I was doing.

I have realized I am strong. And I can figure shit out. I have learned to accept some things in life, but that I can change other things and it doesn't all have to be perfect. Nothing in life is perfect.

I started out 2011 feeling heartbroken and then empty. So empty I felt I had nothing left to offer. But that has changed. I am full of love and strength. And these things will propel me forward. I know it won't be easy. I'll have days where I'll want to give up and give in and I'll be tired of everything. But I know if I just trust myself, I can push through and accomplish what I want to accomplish. And the people who love me and believe in me, will be with me. They'll encourage me and support me. And the people who don't, well they'll be left behind.

You know, if I had to pick a theme song for my life right now, I guess this would be it:


I've woken up to my own possibilities. I don't really think I've changed, but rather accepted the person I am, in all my emotional, romantic, crazy glory. This is me. I'm kind of fantastic.