Strange....

How the world moves forward and you can feel so stuck in one position. Neutral. Neutral in confusion. Is that possible?

I've really been struggling with my marriage for several months now. Things came to a head about 2 weeks ago and I phoned my pastor and begged a meeting with him. "We just aren't communicating." That's all I told him because I didn't want to go into all the resentment and anger and low self-esteem I've been feeling over the phone. Not all that anger and stuff has been directed at husband. A lot of it I have put on myself.

I have low self-esteem about my body. It's changed so much over the years and after having two kids. My skin's a mess. I quit smoking last year and I've gained like 20 pounds ("oh yay! now people hate me cause I'm fat! but at least I don't smoke!"). I didn't say I am logical about it. My teeth need help, but we're broke. But wait. Let's go back to the skin thing. My pores are huge, the blackheads keep multiplying and I am growing hair where I shouldn't be. I have wrinkles in the bags under my eyes and I am beginning to have crow's feet. I hate my skin right now. And since I never get a moment to myself, trying to find the right skin routine is impossible. Oh, and I get zits like a teenage boy eating too much pizza. I never had these problems before. Never. So how does one find the right product that helps with the wrinkles of old ladies AND the acne of a teenage boy AND doesn't dry you out or make it worse? I don't have time to read the bottles and I certainly don't have time to try something every single day. Shit, I hardly ever get to take a shower two days in a row.

Resentment. Mostly about my low self-esteem. And how my mental health is deteriorating so fast. I have no motivation to clean my house or keep it clean. No motivation to sit down and play with my kids (I know, that one is really, really wrong). Most of the time I have no desire to fix my marriage. And I am resentful about where I am in my life. I don't want to be in Arizona anymore. I want to be home, near the rest of my family (well, some of them anyway). Also, I am resentful that I can't move forward. And I keep picturing my life away from him. The possibilities!

I'm angry about all this. This is not where I pictured my life going. I was so very content and had finally figured out my niche in life. Everything just suddenly came tumbling down. Husband is no longer my best friend. I don't trust him. I can't tell him anything. I may be exaggerating a little, but for the most part it's true. If I say anything to him about anything he does that bothers me (no matter how nicely i say it), I get the whole "yeah, well you suck more and here's how...." It does wonders for my self-esteem, let me tell you. To have everything thrown back on you, to deal with someone who never owns his part of what's wrong....it's an impossible situation to be in.

It happened last night and you know, I had to ask him "what are we even doing anymore? Why are we even trying anymore?" His response was "I don't know."

On the one hand, I just want to walk away. Cut my losses and move on with my life. But i went from my daddy's house to my husband's house and I have no college degree. It's a bad economy and I've spent the last 7 years being home with my kids. I have no life skills and no clue how to take care of absolutely everything all at once. Not to mention he has once threatened to take my children from me (not that I wouldn't deserve it, but he gets pissed when I ask him to help me with them).

My pastor thinks a lot of this is coming from when my grandma died in December and I wasn't there and I didn't get to go to the funeral. I'm in a grieving state and everything in life seems 10 times worse when you are already feeling awful about the death of someone you love.

I'm just so tired of trying to make him understand. I'm tired of trying for anything when it comes to him. He is who he is. Honestly, I don't like who I am becoming because of him. I'm so worried about being left that I have no reason to stay, you know? I'm done trying to please him. It's really pathetic when one actually says to herself "maybe if I am good, I can make him happy again."

I just want peace. I want peace in whatever decision I make. And right now, I just have no reason to stay.

this all may come back to bite me in the butt. we may work everything out and i will most likely look foolish and dramatic and all that. but i need to get this out there. out in the open somewhere.