♪ Quickest Girl in the Frying Pan ♪

I've quoted Tori Amos once again for a blog title in the past week. Skipped another day. Oops! Day 5. A time you thought about ending your own life. Wow. This is deeply personal.  

It was after I had my daughter. I had postpartum depression. I was on anti-depressants. It was an anti-depressant I'd taken before and had seemed to work well, so they put me on it again, only this time they upped the medication. But the medicine made me nervous and jumpy and I wasn't sleeping at night at all. I thought the symptoms would go away.

I can't remember how old Morgan was. Maybe 9 or 10 months old. Husband and I got into a huge fight. It was over something stupid like milk or something. And I broke down. I grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels from the kitchen. Maybe it was Crown. And I went into the bathroom and locked the door. All my pills were in there: my anti-depressants, my leftover Percocets and uber Ibuprofen from having her and some other pain killers from when I hurt my knee in college. I figured I would swallow any and all pills I could find with the Jack Daniels so I could sleep and have peace. I was just really, really tired. Tired from not sleeping. Tired of feeling nervous and jumpy. Tired of being angry. Tired of everything.

But then, I heard Morgan laugh or cry or something. She made some kind of noise. And I put everything back in the cabinet and put the Jack Daniels up and went and took care of her.